Lets talk Empty Arm Syndrome. Or EAS.
That awful feeling of your body telling you you're a parent, but no arms wrapped round your neck to prove it..... no pictures on fridges, no arguments about how much the tooth fairy should give...and so on..... you get the picture.....It's a physical pain. A longing.
So today, I have been sat at work racking my brains about what topic I should write about this evening..... and right up until five o'clock tonight, I still hadn't got one.... So I asked the Universe for inspiration...... and it came.
Tonight's blog is brought to you by the magic of a little boy called Nicholas. He and his mummy were in the fish and chip shop I called in to on my way home from work. Since mam died two and a half years ago, every Thursday had been my night for tea with Dad. So a chippy tea it is for him. So anyway, this little boy was with his mummy in the queue in front of me, and we all got chatting as you do, and I found out that the poor little soul had laryngitis, at seven weeks old. He is seven weeks old and he's got laryngitis, and his mum couldn't believe it, where did he get that from, and so on....and he started crying, if it could be called that. Poor little monkey. She got him out of his carrier to comfort him..... only she didn't, she handed him straight to me. Yes. A total stranger handed her baby to me.
She saw me looking at him, I must have had "that" look on my face, you know the one, the one the EAS gives you..... Clearly the MAC isn't working anymore.... or is it in my eyes, i wonder?
"Here you go," she said, "You look like you need a cuddle...." as she placed him in my arms.
Oh. My heart. It just burst. Did she know? Do my scars show? I thought I hid them well, and after seven years they'd have faded somewhat. Obviously not.
I loved it. For those five minutes whilst I was talking to his mum, I don't think that little boy will know what he did for me. I don't think his mum will know just what her random act of kindness did for me in that short time..... from one mum to another? Did she sense?
He was such a pleasant little chap and didn't cry, which is a bonus for me.... that five minutes of Nicholas in my arms..... I cannot explain or describe, but it was lovely, and I came out of that chippy smiling. I knew what I would write about.....my five minutes of therapy. Magical therapy.
Even though Tim and I have decided not to venture down the path of trying for another baby, we have not turned into child avoiding people. We still love children, we love our own so why wouldn't we love someone else's? And we have been very fortunate to have some fantastic people in our lives that let us spend time with their children. Tim and I will be your biggest supporters of your family, and we will always have time for a chat with your youngsters... We love that you will let us be involved and interact with your precious ones.
We have so many children in our lives. None of them ours, and it is an absolute pleasure to watch them grow and be a part of their lives. Even if it is just as fleeting as it was with Nicholas. Cuddles with your little one's, conversations about Vampirina, what they got in proud assembly, why we need trees, what they've asked Santa for and what they are choosing for their options, even the ones that don't yet talk but gaze at you with their perfectly styled hair and sparkly blue eyes, its healing. Its therapy. Magical therapy.
It takes away the EAS for a while. It reminds you that life is continuing and it does go on. And it will be okay. And we will be okay. These children will never call me mum, but for that
moment they can call me happy and healing.
Have a good week. I hope the Universe sends a little bit of magic your way.
Lots of love,